So recently I decided that I no longer needed my medication. I mean, who wants to live the rest of their life bound to a little bottle of pills, right? I had convinced myself that it really wasn’t appealing to be that person. The one who NEEDS medication in order to function at a somewhat normal level. I was pretty resolved. There was no changing my mind. Crazy pills weren’t my thing anymore. I was going to be a part of normal society.
Of course one good idea lead to another; I was going to do this without telling anyone. So I trashed my pills with a big fuck you, thinking.. “enough of this shit, I’m done. Normal me, here I come.”
Please note: Sometimes your brain has the ability to convince you of almost anything. If I had also suddenly wanted to train chickens and travel the country looking for county fairs… I probably could have talked myself into it.
Needless to say, it didn’t go well. But that was obvious from the start and that’s not the issue I wanted to talk about really.
What I wanted to talk about was how I had this idea in my head of what normal was. And I was ashamed of being someone who struggles with her mental health. I was stigmatizing myself!
It was as if there was a stranger beside me whispering into my ear: What is wrong with you? Why can’t you control yourself like a normal person? Just change your mind, it’s that easy. Being depressed is a state of mind… you don’t need those pills. Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t a thing? They just made that up.
But is was me!! I was saying those things to myself. I was making myself feel bad for who I was. I was ashamed of who I was. What. The. Fuck!?
It’s hard enough dealing with other people’s ideas about mental health. It’s worse when you’re also fighting against your own ideas. Whether you notice it or not.. most of the time you’re fighting two battles.
I don’t know everything there is to know about mental health. Hell, I know nearly nothing. But I do know that you need to decide to love yourself for who you are – not for the person you wish to be. There is no normal, there is no perfect. As long as you’re trying… love yourself for that.