Posted in BPD, Mental Health

Dark Cloud Days

I’m having one of those days.  I don’t know what triggered it but I got up this morning feeling off.  My alarm went off (my 1 year old) and as soon as my feet touched the floor, I knew it was going to be one of those days.  I cringed because every part of me wanted to slowly lay back down and pretend I didn’t exist… just for today.

Some mornings I wake up with a cloud over my head.  And the darkness follows me throughout the day.  I know there is no real reason for it.. but that doesn’t make it easier.  That doesn’t make it stop.  Hell, it makes me feel guilty.. because I think I should be able to turn it off.

When I wake up feeling like that, even little things seem so much bigger.  So much more disastrous.
My boyfriend says he teases me because it’s his own unique way of showing affection.  It bothers me a bit – but most days I can tell myself “he has good intentions, he cares”.  This morning, however, it was everything not to lash out at him.  I wanted so badly to snap at him because, well, he should of known I wasn’t feeling myself.
It took me several minutes of self-talk and deep breaths to remind myself that, on a normal day, I would not be mad about him teasing me.  In fact, I would probably join in.  Oh and I also reminded myself that (as far as I am aware) my boyfriend doesn’t possess psychic abilities that enable him to read people’s thoughts.. which means, he probably didn’t know I wasn’t feeling good.

When I finally got to work, I opened my computer and.. just stared at the screen for a while.  I could feel it creeping in.. that apathetic and numb feeling I get on days like these.
I started to question my whole existence.  Why don’t I do more?  Why do I talk myself out of new and unfamiliar experiences?  Why is it so hard to make friends?  Shouldn’t I be doing more with my life?

I spent the next several hours Googling “possible hobbies”.  Yes, you read that right.. I asked Google to help me find a hobby.

I guess the point of this post is simply to remind myself (and anyone reading this) that this is normal.  It’s okay to feel like this.  It’s okay to have a bad day.
Take the day… feel what you need to feel.  Be sad, cry, yell…
Do what you have to do to feel better.. take a hot bath, read a trashy magazine, watch a funny movie.. and then go to bed knowing that tomorrow is NOT today.

That is pretty much how I get through days like today without unraveling.

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Author:

Depression has been a fact of life for me for nearly 20 years now and I'm happy to say that I've finally started figuring out how to live with my demons. Today I have 3 kids, am in a stable relationship and have a (somewhat) normal relationship with my family. That's quite a feat considering some of the lows I've had and the things I've done when I was there. When I started this blog I wanted it to be mostly about depression and BPD, but as time went on I realized that I wanted it to be more than that. There are a lot of things that make me happy. And whatever makes me happy, in the end, contributes to a healthy life and mind. I don't have a grand plan. I just want to share my experiences in hopes that it inspires others to take control of their happiness. You are not alone! -XO Michelle

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